Newborn: Reflections from week One

Well, I am not writing from the morgue or heaven, so that means that we made it: we survived week one with a newborn in the house! The first few days were made much easier because my parents were in town staying with us and whenever I needed a minute to lie down, fix a sandwich, or for God’s sake, just go to the bathroom, I handed baby B to my mom and got a few minutes’ peace.

However, the nights were all up to us. The first night had me wondering what in the hell I had gotten myself into: Our lives were so easy and fun. I love my husband and we had a wonderful, simple life.. going out to eat when we wanted, traveling, staying up late watching movies, sleeping whenever we wanted. And now.. NOW.. this 7-pound, writhing, crying ball of baby had come in and demolished our carefree lives. Why did we think this was a good idea? We were both up almost all night watching him, rocking him, and trying to soothe him.

Thankfully, the second night was much better. B slept for stretches before waking and we were a little more adept at diaper changes and feeding. Breastfeeding was so far a bust (no pun intended) for us, so I was still using a breast pump and giving him bottles of breast milk, which was terribly inconvenient, not to mention impersonal.

As the nights followed, we developed systems according to the signals from baby B. One night I instructed David to go to bed at 8 p.m. and my mom and I stayed up watching tv and going through feeding/sleeping cycles with B until about midnight – which we loved as we are both night owls! We slowly figured out what works for us, and the bedside bassinet began coming in handy after my lactation consultant visited on Wednesday, January 18th and we successfully found that elusive “latch” for the first time! Baby B now sleeps anywhere from 1.5 hours to that one blissful stretch of 5 hours before waking up to eat. I wake up and feed him, David slowly rouses and changes him when we’re done, and we’re all back to sleep in about 30-45 minutes. We still manage to get around 7 hours of sleep a night, which I think is pretty impressive! If B is fussy, I take him into his nursery and rock him to sleep in our glider so that David can get his rest.

Anyway, that’s what has worked for us. It’s true that you can’t put a newborn on a schedule, but you can alter your own schedule to the baby’s and still come out on top if you just follow his or her clues and signals.

Here are a few things that I have learned, and advice I would give a new mom.

1. Try baby items at a friend’s house or in the store, if possible.

New parents buy a lot of crap. I can’t even believe it. I sent my husband on a trip to Target last week for a changing table for our living room and he came back with every item that Boppy makes for babies. Now, I admit that I have come to enjoy the Boppy and B loves sitting in the Boppy Lounger – and I love having 10 cry-free minutes to wash my face, put in contacts, and make myself feel like a human being in the morning.

But there are items that new parents buy that look great and make big promises, but end up gathering dust in the corner of the nursery. A friend gave me a consultation with a lactation consultant as a baby gift because I had been having trouble breastfeeding. At that appointment I tried a product called My Brest Friend, and it was awesome! We immediately purchased one and I have been using it daily. However, at $40, that was a small investment that could have gone wrong. What if I didn’t like it? What if it just didn’t work for us? What if we couldn’t return it? The way things come up missing in a house with a new baby, good luck finding the receipt for anything you’ve purchased!

Although My Brest Friend worked great for me, it may not be a great solution for everyone. Ask around and try items before you buy, if you can. You’ll save yourself some dough and the hassle of returning something that didn’t suit you.

2. Don’t give up on breastfeeding!

I felt so discouraged in the hospital as time and time again, B would not nurse. During business hours when a lactation consultant was available, we would request her and she could get him to nurse, but on my own I was always unsuccessful. Baby B had quite the journey into the world: because he had meconium in his amniotic fluid, he came out of the womb struggling to breathe and some very uncomfortable measures had been taken to save his life, like clearing his nose and throat of fluid and using breathing tubes. He was also in the NICU for 2 days, where he was exclusively bottle-fed. By the time I was able to see and hold him in our room, he was sure not interested in having anything put in his mouth!

I was still intent on breastfeeding. There are so many benefits to breastfeeding, and I wanted nothing but the best for my baby. Having a lactation consultant visit as a baby shower gift was amazing, but if you don’t have the money to do so or none of your friends thoughtfully gift you with such a visit, there are consultants available at the hospital to visit you, various support groups, and the local public health clinic to find information about successful breastfeeding. Don’t be afraid to ask friends about their experiences or even to watch you and offer advice if you’re comfortable doing so. Even though at first you may think that babies and moms just come together almost magically from the minute of birth with a successful latch and beautiful breastfeeding experience, that’s almost never true. Both you and your baby are new at this! Most women I’ve asked took a few days, or up to a month, to successfully breastfeed. It took baby B and me a week to get it right, and you know what? I’m glad I stuck it out.

3. Shy away from taking advice from people who overuse superlatives.

“That NEVER works.” “You MUST have this [baby item].” As a new mom, I am susceptible to taking advice from anyone. People see you in public with a carseat and your little bundle is instantly the hot topic of conversation. Remember everyone’s urge to give advice when you were pregnant? This is Part II.

I took my mom’s advice a long time ago: “Smile and nod and say ‘Thanks, good idea!’ and then decide to use the advice or just do something else.” People are generally well-meaning. Most folks aren’t out to just bug the holy hell out of you or tell you something you’ve already heard three times in that trip to Kroger alone. The people I find most annoying are the ones that make comments like, “That NEVER works.” Hey, maybe it didn’t work for you, but it may work for me. Being a new parent is all about trying new things and figuring out your little pink, squirmy baby. It takes time, patience, energy, and help from anyone who will volunteer!

The bottom line is, unless you’re talking about throwing your baby out a window or punching your husband in the face, feel free to try whatever you like to make your life with a newborn easier. The first few weeks are really an “every man for himself” type of situation. Trade off nighttime duties if you have a little night owl. Talk to your partner about your concerns and feelings if you get frustrated. Most of all, use common sense. Everyone’s advice is fine, but only you know what will work for you, your partner, your baby, and the overall sanity of your household.

4. Expect to be overwhelmed physically.

I was warned about the trials and tribulations of having a newborn in the house. I was told that I would never sleep again and that sometimes babies just cry for no damn reason. I was told that babies are expensive. But no one really told me about the physical ramifications of having a baby.

You know, you spend your whole pregnancy being terrified of the L-word: labor. It’s going to hurt, it’s scary, I don’t know what to expect.. Will I need a c-section? How long will labor last? What do contractions feel like? You ponder these questions for months. Then labor comes and goes and you’re left with this wiggly little bundle and a totally screwed-up body. I was in labor for 24 hours before the docs declared my need for an emergency c-section. The surgery itself was great: I was so doped up that I barely remember kissing little B’s forehead and I slept while they repaired my incision. The aftermath? HELL. If there is a hell, it will be every hour having to get out of a hospital bed to go to the bathroom with a fresh 6-inch hole cut through skin, muscles, and nerves in your abdomen. Oh, and there are staples. Like, real staples in your skin, holding your precious, previously-lovely body together.

Even with prescription pain medication at the hospital, the first few days were overwhelming to me physically. I had a new baby but I felt like I needed to be taken care of 24/7. I just had major surgery! And going home just three days later was scary and still physically difficult. Think about, ask questions about, and prepare yourself not just for the act of childbirth, but for the aftermath, whether you have a vaginal birth or c-section.

5. Keep receipts!

In a household with a new baby, particularly if someone is helping you clean or straighten up, things just mysteriously disappear. Keeping up with receipts for future exchanges or returns can seem impossible. When I shop, I come right home and tape the receipt to the item I’ve purchased.

I used lots of coupons from registry goody bags for diapers when I was pregnant. Under the advice of my stepdad (he’s smart!), I would come home and tape the receipt to the pack of diapers before storing them. This way, if Baby B came out a lot bigger than anticipated, we could exchange some of those newborn diapers for a larger size. The same can be said for clothes. Washing and putting away new clothes is so fun when you’re pregnant and nesting, but if you have a plethora of newborn items, you may want to leave the tag on some/save the receipt in case baby pops out at 10 lb. 4 oz.!

6. Ask for help if you need it.

Seek out other new moms and moms who have “been there, done that.” Talk to your partner about your feelings. Earlier I mentioned thinking, “What have I done??” It’s perfectly healthy to feel that way; I’d venture to say that anyone who says that this journey is easy or perfect or that they got 8 hours’ sleep right off and their hormones didn’t beat them senseless at least once a day is lying through their teeth. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom; it means you’re logical! Yes, life WAS easier without a baby! That’s why some people consciously choose not to have children. But your path can be made much more enjoyable and less frustrating with help from others. Take advantage of neighbors’ offers to bring you dinner. Allow family members to come over and help with laundry or vacuuming while you’re physically recovering from birth. Find a group of mothers in your area who share an interest or philosophy with you, like a breastfeeding group who meet to give advice, an active mommies group who tie on Moby Wraps and go for a walk together, or a book club for new moms where you are free to bring your little one.

Of course, as everyone says, it is NOT normal if you have these feelings of depression and regret all the time. I’ve found a lot of comfort and support in talking to other new moms as well as friends with one or more children who have “been there, done that.” Talk to your partner and don’t be afraid to cry if hormones are raging! If you still feel depressed or like you might hurt yourself or your baby, for heaven’s sake talk to your doctor and/or a counselor. The times, they are a’changin’, and mental health is something that we should feel comfortable talking about without feeling bad or guilty. What you’re feeling is normal; going it alone is not.